Zooming out

Many actors keep a "trigger" journal, which is essentially a record of people/places/events that trigger an emotional response. Over time, a trigger journal becomes a resource an actor can turn to when he/she needs help evoking particular emotional responses. For example, if an actor had a bad audition (say) where he forgot a few of the lines and it threw him off and he walked out realizing that there is no way he's gonna get the part and he hates himself for not preparing more (hypothetically speaking, of course), that could go in the trigger journal under "feeling like a dumbass", or more simply, "dumbass".

I sat today to start this journal, but rather than begin by listing explicits, I started with "things that make me happy". The thoughts came in a deluge, and I wrote down anything that popped into mind (no, I'll never be sharing this with anyone). When the ideas began to slow down, I started another column, "things that make me angry". "Things that I'm passionate about" followed, and then "things that make me sad" (yeah...next time I'll be starting with this last one and ending with the happy list...yikes).

Anyways, after this flurry of scribbling, I paused and then re-read each list. It was so interesting to see what was on each list, and then to compare those lists to how I'm living my life. The rest of the evening was not about a trigger journal, but about me. It was very insightful and very therapeutic, and for anyone doing anything (that's you), I highly recommend it. Take 5 minutes and focus on yourself, but zoom out. Move past the to-do list, and beyond judgment. I think you'll be glad you did.*

*Note: You may very well not be glad you did...proceed with caution....

So I think I can dance

The clouds look like thinly painted strips of white on the bluest of blue skies. Behind me, the green and brown and red hills climb and then fall to meet the ocean, just at the cusp of the horizon. I stand in a moment of disbelief at the edge of the pool, looking around the palm tree lined Malibu hills mansion--and then I smile, thinking "and I'm getting paid for this?!"
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Okay, so there's a (good) reason I don't write fiction. But today was definitely non-fiction. My first gig since my move to LA: a featured dancer in a short film titled "The Audition" about the shooting of a music video--the biggest budget short film I've ever seen (or even heard of). An amazing setting (sitting in the pool, you could look out towards the ocean), more than a full crew, an up and coming director, an up and coming singer, food, water, wardrobe--everything. AND I got to dance, looking all GQ in a full suit with a slick tie as part of choreographed routine that five of us learned an hour before going in front of the camera. On a side note, we learned the routine without music, and the the first time we danced with the music the film was rolling--so if you ever see it, now you know why I sucked.

It's probably not something I'll do again (even though one of my childhood dreams was to dance for Janet Jackson), but damn, it was a lot of fun. Not only getting to dance with cameras and lights and makeup people and all that, but meeting the other people around the set, especially my fellow dancers: one guy, a bonafide graduated-from-the-top-ballet-school-in-Russia-dancer-turned-Cisco-employee-turned-actor. Talented as sh*t, funny as sh*t. Another guy--the choreographer actually--a 21 year old kid who's an actor and an emcee, and very good at the business of acting (so smooth on set with the director and crew). The third guy, a singer from the Dominican Republic who comes across so cocky and soo Hollywood, but with such a chill demeanor that you can't help but dismiss your first impression and love him. And the last guy, a down to earth, "sarcastic from being in the biz", but "energetic cause he hasn't given up on the biz" cat that could move.

Every one of these guys has a dream, and every one is smart and hard working with the great personality to match. We chatted, we laughed, we learned from each other, we danced, and then we went our separate ways. It was kinda like traveling; you know, when you meet people from different places and have the greatest conversations over the course of several beers? Except instead of chatting about where we've been, we were chatting about where we're goin.

Umm...what am I doing? And why, again?

I have new found respect for entrepreneurs. In college (and since), I romanticized them: bold, passionate individuals who made significant professional and personal sacrifices to bring something that they really believed in to life, usually from scratch. Also, they usually got rich at the end of it (can anyone spell IPO?).

As an entrepreneur myself now (aHEM...if I may be so bold), I'm seeing the other side of the coin, especially when just starting out: a ridonkulous amount of work (it's never done, really), little/no pay (which goes great with all the start-up costs), the need to do everything yourself (product development, marketing...even my own friggin IT support), and then, maybe two months and a few days into the venture, having to deal with what I'll call the entrepreneur's nemesis: doubt.

Umm...what am I doing?

I was in a bum mood on Saturday after spending pretty much all day trying to edit my reel (still outstanding, btw). I started thinking about all the other things I could be doing (like, umm, traveling the world?!), and began to question myself. I mean, c'mon...what are the odds I'll "make it"? And I'm not talking rich and famous--just make a decent living as an actor. Seriously? (Btw, if you know, don't tell me; it'll only make things worse). I mean, I don't have a natural competitive advantage (read: mommy and daddy are not in the industry), and I'm starting out at the bottom (read: uncles and aunts are not in the industry), and Hollywood is infamous for its competitive, cut throat nature (it's worse than you think).

It's while I'm trying to connect my camcorder to my computer for the fifth time that I pause to think "WTF am I doing"?!

And why, again?

I saw Johnny Depp on Friday afternoon, signing autographs after doing the "hands in concrete" thing on Hollywood Blvd. It was absolutely surreal seeing everyone all lined up, cheering, jumping, pushing, drooling, gawking, and sometimes even being freakish (a few full costume Charlies and Jack Sparrows were present), just being in the mere presence of this guy. I walked through the crowd with an odd detachment, thinking, "do I want this??" The answer was pretty clear, and I relished in my anonyminity as I snaked my way away from the man.

Later, while working on my #$%# reel, I caught a bit of The Diary of Angelina Jolie & Dr Jeffrey Sachs in Africa. I watched with a combination of sadness/disbelief at the conditions and stories of the villagers in Sauri, and admiration/respect for the celebrity. Probably not coincidentally, that evening I saw Crash. And as I lay in bed that night, I thought of others in the industry who use their fame or tap their resources for worthy social causes (everyone from Bono to 'unknown' friends I have in the biz). I remembered movies from City of God to my friend's In The Morning. And then I remembered again why I'm doing this. The media and entertainment industries (and its leaders) are far more powerful than most like to realize, and I want to get in a position where I can use some of that power for good.

The "why" motivates the "what". I just hope the "how" comes to me sooner rather than later.
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A quick note about this blog...as you've seen (Mr. Blender man), I'm posting less often--but my posts are longer. This will continue. Until it changes.

2 month anniversary

Today is my two month anniversary here in LA. I found myself reflecting on all I've done, and the so much more that I need to do, and thought to share....

DONE
- found a place to call home near westwood after an interesting apt/roommate search ("life is like a roommate search off of craig's list postings, you never know....")
- found acting classes I (mostly) like
- printed up bcards and pcards; the bcards have come in handy in getting people to laugh; the pcards go out tomorrow
- joined The Actor's Network, where I pay to have friends; kinda like a co-ed frat, except instead of 'keggers' we have "what can you do for me" events. No, that's too brutal...it's actually a pretty cool org; for example, I attended a "type me" session yesterday...kinda surprising to see what 14 other actor types think of me at first glance. I mean, do I really come across as 'ethnic'??
- found a job SAT tutoring, which I start next week (still don't know what SAT stands for though)
- registered with the three main casting websites and had eight auditions with several call backs
- beverages/bites with actor/director/agent types
- had Seth and Young take headshots and added a few of the pictures to my website
- started a blog :)

Not bad for two months, huh?

TO DO (in the next two months)
- enroll in a commercial class (I know, I know...but commercials pay...I'll be picky, don't worry)
- finish my reel (!)
- get two monologues down (at some auditions, they ask you to recite a monologue...anyone got any suggestions? I wonder if I can pull off this one from Pulp Fiction)
- get new headshots (professional ones though...no offense Seth and Young)
- assemble a list of casting directors/directors/producers I want to target; harass the hell out of 'em
- drop-offs at commercial agencies (will help in getting a commercial agent...will also get me yelled at)
- book a role! (out of my control, but I'm still going to put it on the list)

Yikes. Okay, lots to do...back to work...(that goes for you too, Osi)

Atypical days

First off, thanks to everyone reading and posting comments. I particularly appreciate the person who complimented my blog and then asked me to check out his/her blender site. To you I say: "I have no idea how you found my blog, but I don't need any blenders. So piss off."

When I told friends I was moving to LA for acting, most were pretty supportive (in a "laughing with me not at me" kind of way...I think). Several even said they would live 'vicariously' through me; in fact, I think I'm living for about six people right now. For everyone else, I thought a "day in the life" might be worth sharing, so you can be happy you're saving your vicarious lives for people really worth it (like, say, Richard Branson).

M-F:
7:00 AM - alarm rings
7:16 AM - get up motivated by the fact that no one will believe I got up by 7:16 AM
7:17 AM - sit-ups
7:30 AM - after briefly checking email, jog to the gym and work out while listening to the NY Times digest from Audible (for any commuters/productivity freaks, Audible is huge; if you sign up, tell 'em 'ahuja' referred you)
9:00 AM - showered and ready, at this point my schedule forks: if it's Tues or Thurs, leave for guitar class at Santa Monica College; any other day, submit myself for auditions on afore mentioned websites (see 'Auditions' post)

The only other fixture every week is--if it's a Tues or a Fri--acting class from 2:15 to 6 in Hollywood, and I always have some prep work to do before hand. I spend the other days: (1) tackling the huge acting to-do list I've got (get an agent, get famous, etc.), (2) preparing for/attending any auditions I get, and (3) checking out interesting acting related events I hear of (including Actor's Network events; will detail this org in a later post).

What else...a few friends and I have Tuesday night movie nights where we watch thought provoking, relatively independent type films (this week we saw Maria Full of Grace; heavy...very good...very heavy....).

In summary, my days are pretty atypical. I've quickly realized the importance of: (1) being organized, (2) keeping an up-to-date schedule, (3) numbered lists, such as this one, and most importantly, (4) keeping my eye on the prize (having something to write about for my blog).

My first commercial audition: Part II

So I show up at the commercial audition feeling a bit out of place, partially because everyone else was white (can I say that?) and in their late 30s (wait a sec...have I been here before?). Like the print audition, it was kinda cattle call-ish: sign in, wait, have a Polaroid taken, wait, watch nervously as they call name after name and people disappear into the studio. Wait some more. Then they called several of us in and explained what the audition was going to be about: we were newscasters on location reporting a big story, and we had only one line--and would need to improvise the rest.

We went outside to sit (wait). Trying to be productive, I started checking the news on my PDAish phone, but then realized I had better prepare. 'Improvised' does not mean 'unprepared', so I came up with a few lines to use. A few minutes later:

"Sun..deep...Aaahu--"

"--yeah, that's me".

And in I went. The camera guy put a mic (prop) in my hand, went behind the camera, and then said the magic word: 'you'.

As soon as I finished (signing off with a sure-to-sound-different "This is Sundeep Ahuja, back to you John"), the camera guy did something I didn't expect.

He laughed.

I thanked him and went outside, only to be greeted by a "wow, that was fast" from the casting associate.

So that's what the camera guy was laughing about.

Never heard back, but at least I learned lessons I can apply in order to nail the next one:
1) Pay attention. How are others preparing. How long are auditions are going. How are people leaving the studio.
2) Be white and in my late 30s.